News From An Acorn

Ten things I did when the power went out during Hurricane Irene

1. Turned the same light switch on at least ten times while walking by.
2. Heard my wife say while on her laptop, “What good is wireless if you can’t get on the Internet when the power is out?” Exactly!
3. Read a pile of magazines I meant to read at the beach this summer.
4. Watched the birds at the feeders…all the birds…who chowed through wind and rain, then filled the feeders the second they were empty. (Normally, they’re lucky if I refill them in the same week.)
5. Took a pre-nap,  and after awhile a real nap and another nap later on just because I could.
6. Began mild hallucinations on how to find a hot cup of coffee (I don’t usually drink hot coffee in the afternoons) when nothing was open.
7. Used my cell to call a friend, then texted another for no apparent reason.
8. Cleaned out two bulging file drawers that I’ve thought about doing for two years. Made two stacks: A little one and much larger one and threw the little one away, of course.
9. Got to the bottom of my work bench in the garage. Even put things away with labels, and thought about the OCD’s classic line: “String too short to use but too long to throw away.”
10. Passed the ultimate geek test: Sat in my van that has a 110 plug (when it’s running) to charge my laptop so I could keep on writing! 

Kevin Lee

Back to School In America: Part One

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. 
                                                                  - Bill Dodds
The reason you want your children to pay attention in school
is because you haven’t the faintest idea how to do their homework.
                                                        - Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz

It’s happening.
The college athletes have returned to town and are clogging up our local coffee shop.Their lean and muscular forms belt back 900 calorie drinks like nothing while the rest of us gain weight just walking in the door. Next week the freshman class stagger in, starry-eyed and flush with ATM cards their mommas got them yesterday.

At the next table two middle schoolers discuss trading flip-flops for the latest high top sneakers while behind me their moms, at their own table, of course, discuss signing up for spinning classes at the Y in September.

On the periodicals rack by the door, a stack of weekly freebies, already yellowed in the August sun says, “ Prep your child for first grade in five easy steps!” Five easy steps? First grade? Frappuccinos for freshman at four buck a pop? High tops? Good lord, I should be drinking more than black coffee. 

And that’s my snapshot from one town barely making it in America.

Kevin Lee

Have I got the boat for you!

 

 

Listen. This is it. Now’s your chance…

Why pay thousands of dollars on a new boat? Why, with just a few hours of your time after work, you could have this little baby in top-notch shape ready for hours of boating fun on the water!

…Don’t delay, calls and offers are coming in as you’re reading this!

(I don’t think anyone is dumb enough to actually call me…it’s a joke!)

Truth is, I’ve been watching this boat embedded in briars now for a few years. When the leaves are gone, from late fall until early spring the boat is visible for all to see at the back of someone’s property here in town. There’s a kind of graceful, yet sad, symmetry between the lines of the boat, its faded green paint, and the swirl and shape of the briars that are slowing pulling the boat down into the earth. As soon as the leaves come out in mid May the boat disappears from view until fall.

On the day I took this photo, I got out of my car, studied the light and angle for the best shot, and then noticed an older, large bellied man across the street standing on his porch, wearing pants, a white tee shirt with suspenders and smoking a fat cigar.

He puffed away on the thing while watching me and I figured he had the better story to tell his wife about some nut stopping and taking a bunch of photos of a dilapidated old boat! 

The boat is not mine…but if you really want to buy it, I’m sure I can hook you up with the owner…for a modest finders fee, of course!

Kevin Lee

Sun Runners

It’s mid August and the signs of summer winding down are everywhere.

Back-to-school specials flood the airwaves and printed media, and parents exhibit that strange mix of sadness to see the season end and moments of delight to know they’ll soon have some time to themselves again…or so they hope, anyway.

Yesterday, a rag-tag band of summer castaways stopped in to visit. Two boys and two girls, ironically, each as tall as the next and all headed into the eighth grade within two weeks.  I asked if they were sad that summer would be ending soon.

August Clocks

“Dude. I’m mad bored. Can’t wait for school to start,” says one with hair to here in skater clothes and shoes.

“I wanna see my friends,” said one of the girls. “But it means I have to go to bed earlier…no more sleeping in ‘til noon for me! Can we get something to drink, Kevin” she asks.

“Sure,” I say, “Help yourself. You know where it is.”

They dropped their skateboards in place and headed for the fridge, revealing the real reason for the visit. Coming back, as if in unison, they draped across the couches, boards on their laps and just sat there, sipping, saying nothing.

These were not the kids you see in back-to-school circulars and ads. They looked hot and grubby and thoroughly happy with themselves. The scrub-up fairies for school had not caught up with them yet. They needed haircuts, even the girls. And one boy looked like he’d been doing his best to grow something on his face since last Christmas. More hair than beard for sure.

Skater merit badges

One boy had a nasty scabby mess from the side of his knee down to his ankle. “How’d that happen?” I asked.

And when he told me, that’s all it took… a tour guide’s explanation from each teen unfolded, explaining every scab and scar and where they came from and what trick they were attempting to master when they wiped out. They were so happy I asked. Secretly, I hoped they’d ask about my boyhood scars too. But of course they didn’t and instead got up to leave.

“Where you off to now?” I asked.

"My mother dropped us all off at Fort Rodman this morning, said one of the boys. We skated along the beach on the bike path, then to Cushman School and now we’re headed to Taco Bell and then to UMass. Tara’s mom is gonna pick us up there when we call."

On the way out the boy with the hairy chin asked me when teen group was starting up again.

“September 12,” I said. “I’ll text or Facebook you and the rest of the group soon.”

“That’s cool... Later.”   

No GPS required

I walked with them out to the parking lot to see them off. Without breaking their stride or even bending they dropped their boards, hoped on and off they went in unison, the same way they came in. Their wheels echoed off the stone wall behind Town Hall on one side and the parked cars on the other, creating  a little roar of four until they rounded the corner and skated out of sight.  Not one looked back or said goodbye…a skater thing, too cool for old dudes and giving up emotion.

The sight and sounds made me smile as I walked back to my office. Returning to my desk I spotted a note on the white board that read, “Kevin, thank you for the drinks. see you soon <3, Tara.”

Kevin Lee

 

 

Mr. Boehner, my hero!

Thank you, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) you have inspired me. I can’t believe it’s taken me all these years before I too, got it! You are a true leader, an American legend, a swell guy.

Starting tomorrow, I too am going to take “The Pledge.” Following the example set by the honorable members of the US House of Representatives, I’m gonna stop paying my credit card bills when they come due. Yep, I’m done.

While it’s true that I bought a nice new van last year, that was then and this is now. I have less disposable income this year than last, so when that bill comes due, I plan to tell them I’m not paying it. I’m sure that the car company won’t mind if I miss a few payments. I’ve always been a good customer down through the years. Like my country, not once have I ever missed a payment. So I’m sure they’ll understand and keep my credit rating intact, too.

And I appreciate that every one of the 435 members of the House of Representatives have worked very hard to arrive at the place they’re at today. Such a sacrifice. They even worked straight through the weekend! It was very nice and all that Mr. Obama tried to help you out along the way, but John, you were right, this is your piece of legislation to craft, not the President’s. In fact, it even says so in the US Constitution!  So good for you for walking out of that White House and going it alone. You’re the man, take charge, swagger on and show them your moxie, Mr. Speaker! 

Tell those sorry-ass old farts hanging at the senior center to stop whining about their monthly checks and go get a job. I’ll email my cousin serving in Afghanistan and tell him not to worry, that the bullets will keep coming, but his pay will be delayed just a bit. And you and I both know, John, that food stamps and WIC vouchers do nothing but breed more Democrats. So right on, dude, shut them off and set them straight right now! As for me, the only social security this boy needs is my daddy’s old Winchester, a twelve pack of Bud and my Ford 350.

This is America! We’re Americans! And if we decide to default, who the hell’s gonna tell us we can’t? Keep a stiff upper lip there Johnny, we’re behind you 100%!

Kevin Lee

Back to You

Have you forgotten?
Back when you were nine
climbing way past high
and the branch snapped
but I didn’t? You hit hard,
were dazed and still I let you walk home.

Oh, I remember, still. And thanks.

And at fifteen jumping out of hay mows
on the farm and carrying double sacks of grain
upstairs. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?

Or those planks at nineteen…what were they?
Two eighteen footers on your shoulders and you
hit some ice, went down and like a lunatic
crawled off to what? A concert that evening?

Yeah, me and my girlfriend, my good wife now,
had tickets for the Moody Blues in the old Boston Garden!
No way we’d miss that! Climbed on all fours to reach our 
nose-bleed seats!

Idiot.

And those kids. Yours and everyone else's ever since,
crawling all over me. What did you call it, “airplane rides?”
And those flippy things you let them do at my expense,
when you stood, held their hands and they walked up your
chest and flipped upside down. Some stunt buddy. Thanks a lot.

Yeah well…

…Or those sixty-pound menaces you call children
who sprang full-throttle, no warning, into your arms. They
were the only ones smiling once they landed let me tell you.

I suppose you’d be happier if I had stuck to sorting widgets?

If they weren’t heavy, yes.

Not my life, and thank God for that!

God’s not holding your carcass up now buddy. I am.

So what do you want? How long’s it gonna be until I heal
and do what I want again?

Don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that.

 

Kevin Lee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The World Didn’t End… So Go To Work!

What a shock! May 21 came and went, Sunday came, and it’s now early Monday morning. No bright lights, no rush of wind, no fire, nothing. Harry…what happened? You promised?

Harold Camping, the 89 year old engineer turned evangelist-Rapture nut and founder of Family Radio International, redid his numbers from the last time he predicted that the world would end in 1994, to this past Saturday. (I started this piece Saturday night, but figured I’d wait before posting it….just in case,right?)

This whole business of the Rapture coming this weekend or next, and the overall study of eschatology in general (the theologically-based study of the end of time) would be completely hilarious if it wasn’t for the scores of good people who took this stuff to heart, quit their jobs, gave their money to Family Radio and drove hundreds of miles to get to their favorite “pick me up here,” God spot.

 

But at least someone made a few bucks on this. One guy, who several years ago started a business called, “Who will walk your dog when the Rapture comes?” reported that business was brisk in the weeks leading up to May 21. (What? God doesn’t want dogs? Who knew?)

Anyway, no Rapture means people are still here. I still have clients to see today so I guess I’ll have to go to work. Bummer.

 

Kevin Lee

Stump the Trump

As a lifelong democrat, I’d like to offer to my Republican friends out there my enthusiastic support for a Donald Trump Presidential run. And here’s why:

• He’s not going away. He’s a Republican, he’s very rich and could buy the campaign if he chooses to. When asked if he really could lay down 600 million of his own money, Trump said, “I have much more than that. That's one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That's a huge advantage. I must tell you, that's a huge advantage over the other candidates." We’re talking good-old core Republican values here, don’t you think?
• You have to admit, the campaign would be hilarious, with regular interviews on Hair Force One, Mr. Trumps personal 757 and walkabouts with common folk at Mar a Lago, his little place in Palm Springs. This is the kind of inspiring  leadership and momentum that our country needs and deserves.
• And speaking of hair, just imagine, if you will, Trump’s comb-over flipping up and shading out entire cornfields in Iowa?
• As for the growing gaggle of other Republican hopefuls out there, they may be saying publicly that they wish that “The Donald” would simply go away, but by the way they say it, you know that down deep they’re secretly envious of him as well. …If only I had a jet, and a bunch of properties and a TV show…
• And Mr. Trump is keeping up with the times, too. As a newly minted ‘birther,”  he’s got Obama on the run now after producing his own birth certificate. …Oh wait, it wasn’t a real birth certificate, just a certificate of “live birth” from the hospital. Once someone told him the difference, he dug up the real one the following day. See what I mean? That’s what I call bold, decisive and clear attention to the important issues of the day. America needs this.
• And speaking of attending to issues, last week Mr. Trump put to rest any lingering doubts on his stand regarding race relations. During an interview in a talk show in Albany New York, Trump said,  "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks." So there. I'm sure that Cornell West will love hearing that line!
• And with all the hotels, casinos, resorts and condos he owns around the world, with all the people it takes to run these places, don’t you think he’s keeping up on his Spanish, too? You know, rubbing elbows with the boys in maintenance and the ladies in housekeeping? That’ll boost his campaign right there.
• Trump’s moxie is up too on the international scene. His take on the Somalia Pirates that are plaguing the high seas off the coast of Africa? “Give me an admiral and two ships and I’ll blow every last one of them away.” Refreshing stuff.*  
• As Sara Palin’s presidential prospects seem to be fading away, and Brand Trump steadily rises in the polls, it’s good to know that the GOP is keeping their values clear and their message heard among the people of America.
• Go Donald!

Kevin Lee

* At CPAC, Feb 2011

Men High Up

Sooner or later the cramp of sitting through a four hour flight
gives way to nature’s call for relief and two men find themselves
standing and waiting for the restroom in the middle of a hundred passengers who are
so bored that anything will amuse them. And these two guys did
not disappointment.

One of the men, the rounder shorter of the two attempts to open the
accordion-style bathroom door so he can enter, but nothing happened. So now with both hands, he gives a decisive push since figuring a bit of brawn  might be all that’s needed.

Still nothing.

The other guy, offering help, points to the hip-high slide handle and says, ”Slide the lever to the right and she should open,” which he does, but still, the door’s not budging.

“Oh for God’s sake,” says the taller man laughing, “The sign says push in!” and so he does while the shorter rounder man is dutifully trying to push the lever to the right. By now they’re making quite a racket tugging and pushing on the metal door that is not moving.

Finally the flight attendant glides down the isle and says,
”Look at that. Two grown men can’t get either lavatory open!”

“Two? There are two?” says the rounder man.

By now, having set the stage for an eager audience six rows deep, she says smoothly,
”Yes. There are two. The second one is right behind you.” But before either man
could react with proper embarrassment she reached her arm out and extended a finger
for the men to follow with their eyes and pointed upward to the lav that would not open, saying next, ”And this sign, gentlemen, in bright red letters reads, OCCUPIED!”

Kevin Lee

 

 

Rooms With A View

 
There is something about old dilapidated buildings no matter where they are that has always attracted my eye. While vacationing on Palm Island in the Grenadines, I came across this seemingly abandoned place not more that thirty feet from the ocean. So naturally, while everyone else is at the beach or holding down a seat at the seaside bar, I’m happily rummaging in rubble!

Enjoy my sense of whacky composition! (Note: You can enlarge each image for viewing, if you want to, by clicking on each photo.) Images are also posted on my photo site here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Photos by Kevin Lee

KevinLeePhotography.com